Adoption is when someone carries a baby full term and regardless of how it happens, the baby is found without its mother. The baby will be taken somewhere to be kind of cared for, and probably adopted.
Sometimes, this is actually arranged before the baby is born. Sometimes the mom has so many unresolved issues that she is unable to care for her child. The whys really don’t matter? What matters is raising awareness to the fact that people who have been separated from their biological mothers suffer severe identity and personal crisis. The thing is, even if there are a few people who say they don’t feel awful about adoption no matter what you say about how other people feel, and I will tell you I was one of those people just a few months ago.
I just found out that adoption trauma is a thing. While sorting through what most consider the worst year yet for humanity as a whole. For mental health as a whole. I found out that this empty part of me is a long lost trauma that was never forgotten, because how can you forget something if you didn’t know it even existed? I forgot that it hurt to be given away and that I never was the same. People talk about getting to a place with their trauma and grief that they finally feel like they used to. How did I used to feel? Warm? Comforted? Cozy? Always loved? Cherished? Are those the feelings people say they are getting back on the other side of grief and loss? These are that I feel are missing from myself, every day. For a while I thought the missing feeling was an interior design thing. Well, although I’ve never lived in a house with good interior design, I can tell you that people with nice things, nice houses and nice faces still have the ability to feel this empty also.
To counter this feeling, for my children, I try to encourage all the things that I feel I missed out on, while also trying to not place unrealistic expectations on myself for the sake of being “perfect”. This assumption that people should be living any other way than the way that feels natural to them is what gets us here. There was an assumption that women would do anything to have children, but never once considered the ramifications of doing so. How did a species become so far removed from itself that it just doesn’t care about the life it creates? And for all those who say that this is a caring notion, no it isn’t. Women should never face the challenge of having to give up a child. Women shouldn’t get raped. Women should be able to have their own children, and if they can’t they need psychological services before being able to adopt. Not a questionnaire, an actual assessment and life skills training to lessen the occurrence of transfer into homes without proper care.
It’s as if humans were the pets that got out of control, and instead of separating the boys and girls to quit breeding they invented a money making scheme out of it and pandered it as normal. I understand how this looks, when it comes to the childless mother, she may feel attacked by the adopted child because she can’t understand their pain. But that’s not my problem, and it shouldn’t be yours. She needs to deal with her initial loss of her life giving abilities before consulting an adoption agency. This should be the new normal. If adoption is going to continue, I call out for a worldwide/ species wide acceptance of psychological screening and training/therapies. I want all adoptive prospective parents to undergo grief counseling to deal either their own loss before bringing a child into their world.
I want it to be normalized on planet earth that ever human has a basic concept of what it means to have children as a long term. We realize that the spirit, brain and soul are special. Why can’t we start to foster those kinds of seeds of knowledge into our children? They can then pass that along, and maybe we won’t end up with entire generations who feel lost, confused and disconnected. I don’t want to be disconnected from everything, but I always feel disconnected.
When it comes down to what adoption is as a whole, the system is flawed from the beginning. There should be a universal code of conduct established so that the entire population can feel safe and comfortable.
I know I’m throwing out a lot of what ifs, but I really just am a dreamer at heart. I want to do well by people in general. I may not have the faculties to actually enact change, but what if I inspire you to? What If I have an idea that is doable by someone else? Then, I will feel as if I can say I know what I want to be when I grow up and It’s a humanitarian, to fight for the rights of those who don’t have words, who don’t know the difference. Because I can see my path, and it may not be well known, but it is lit with white light.