It started just like all of yours, with a finger full of whiskey in my mouth to shut me the fuck up.
Ah, memories… I really only remember the first wine cooler my mom offered me a taste of, and those things were disgusting but so alluring. Why did we always ask for more sips? We always thought they were gross!
The next time after that was in high school when I was dared to bring beer to school because the kids thought it was so strange to hear me go “yeah, my parents have had a six pack in the fridge for months!” so the next day I brought one to school. To my group of peers, and showed it to them. “See? Now who wants it? *AUDIBLE GASP* someone murmurs “that’s how you get expelled”. Yeah, fuck that kid I guess, that shit made me panic so I just threw the bottle across the quad. We could have been amazed at how far it went, except it had landed in front of a trolling/roaming group of teachers/office staff. Oh boy! Here we go, I’m definitely getting expelled, and my mom is going to kill me…. For sure….
Every time the bell rang that day I felt my fate was drawing nearer to the end, surely none of those people would prevent me from getting expelled, kids are notorious for throwing anyone under the buss if they think they may get in trouble. And it just so happened that my math teacher was one of the teachers strolling along the flight path that day… I had him in 4th period and I threw the beer at like 7:30am so, I had been internally freaking out all day. I get to class, he makes a small mention of having several students in for questioning, and after all that, nothing. ABSOFUCKING NOTHING! I have never been more grateful for a group of people I don’t talk to in my life.
Fast forward to late teens, I first got into heavily drinking for socializing at 18. A friend of mine brought his older brothers id card to the party we got invited to, so I took him to the store and we bought 1 bottle of Skyy vodka, and a few sport top water bottles. So, inexperienced drinkers will not mix their drinks because they don’t know better, children of alcoholics don’t question why you’re not buying a chaser because that would be “Pussy shit” (not my opinion, someone said that to me once) So, that’s saying a lot about the kids I was hanging out with I guess… We get to this party, which I had already dumped out the water and put alcohol into the water bottles and then, too them into this party. I feel bad about it now, because of how much trouble the homeowners could have gotten into… but please remember, I was 18 and making bad decisions. We get into this party, and it is AWESOME! It’s a wonder we thought alcohol would make it better, and guess what? It did not make the party more fun, in fact I could go so far as to say, I was probably having the “Most fun” although, wondering why no one else is drinking as much as you and then begging some for mcds fries is not exactly highlights. But wait, there’s more….. We get back to the house after getting mcds and I don’t go into the house. I sit on the curb just down the street, puke up the fries I just ate, asked whoever was there to get my friend who was driving my car…. Just then a 10ft tall police officer walked up and started asking questions like “where did you come from” “where are you going” “why are you sitting next to puke” to which I answered “ I came from Starbucks, to get my friend who went into that house <pointed> and OMG! That’s gross, who puked here?!!?!??! “idk if it worked, but the cop walked away from me……
I don’t have specific clear memories of exact nights anymore. They all kind of just blur together. Around 19 I started going to a bar that had a kitchen and played a lot of local bands. I celebrated my 20’Th birthday as my “21st” and just got to hang out there and never once had my id checked. It was as if I had reached a level of adulthood I had only imagined had existed. The bartender was pissed to find out how old I was on my actual 21st birthday. She was like, what the fuck bone? I just looked at her and smiled. What can happen now?
A lot happened, well six days before that moment I found out I was 3 months pregnant, and I just so happened to still be dating the guy who is the father. I quit drinking immediately, and soon learned that no one will give up a substance for you, for love or for anything other than whatever it is that motivates them to do so. During my pregnancy I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated, made fun of and worst of all, most of that shit came from my child’s father, and/or was encouraged by him. In any case, we stayed together until that baby was 18months old and he tried to take her away from me, broke my door down over my head, and thank goodness I kicked him out and he wasn’t a fucking weirdo more so than what I’ve described. I feel truly blessed that dude left me the fuck alone. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that he had already been seeing someone else, no one is more relieved than I!
At the time I didn’t see any sort of issue with the way I conducted myself, and didn’t even associate with people who didn’t drink. It’s like we were oil and water, when it was probably me being avoidant. I did notice myself questioning whether or not I wanted to be in my 50’s, like some of the other people I partied with, and then as soon as that question flew through my head the number started shrinking. Eventually I was internally telling myself “you’re not really going to drink away your thirties?” yeah… so, I want to say my first internal reflection of alcohol use started around 22, and I just evolved into this person who is now 35, drinks once a month and ends up sick for a week damn near. I actually think that I almost died the other day because of a few beers and a few shots. 3 days later and I’m still recovering, and Idk if I will ever be the same.
During the time of my mid 20’s I had a series of unfortunate events that lead to a DUI. And, thankfully, no one was injured and there wasn’t an accident. I don’t even care to get into all those details, but let’s just say, the law will catch up to you. When I went to jail that night, I knew I had to do something drastic to get my shit together or I was going to end up within the statistics of repeat offenders. So, I sold my car and for the next two years I walked to work (2miles each way) and I would take my kid to school a couple days and pick her up every day (3 miles each way) (graveyard shift) some days walking upwards of 12 miles in one day because of having to walk everywhere. I had been able to pay off my fines with my tax return a few months after getting the dui, but I had to wait a whole year for another tax return to pay for my classes, insurance, and license. At the time, I was only making $70.00 more than what my bills were a month, so, that’s why it took as long as it did. I found a car pretty quick, and as soon as I was mobile again, what did I do? I went out and hung out with my “friends” wanna know how many of those people I still talk to? 1. That is a ok in my book too because once you realize people are only around you for the content you provide and nothing else, then it kind of feels like they are liars and I don’t want anything to do with that. Several people I knew at the time would openly make fun of me for being concerned and try to get them sober drivers. At one point, I had been able to record them actually dangling keys in front of me chanting “bones wants our keys to keep us safe”. Those ladies all got what they deserved. After that 6month stint I really refocused and kept asking myself, is this it? Is this how I want to be for the rest of my life?
My real question now is, are other people asking themselves the same questions? I’ve come so far, and after the last time I drank, I don’t ever want to do that to myself again. I’m pretty sure throwing up bile for 2 days is a sign y’all. Not going to miss it either. Some people think that beer/alcohol us the life of the party but maybe if we could all just get a fucking life then we wouldn’t need alcohol to make us feel that way.
Because you’re not ever actually going to be the life of the party, the one who thinks that passes out or pukes… and you know, alcohol has been with humanity for centuries, the ancient Mayans butt funneled alcohol because drinking it did not get them fucked up enough.
But hey, you do you, and I will do me. And no thank you, every single time you offer because, yuck.