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BoneMomma’s Mission statement (a podcast)

I ran a review and smoke sesh this evening after my plans for something else needed to be put down. The good news is, i am getting much better at editing the vocal tracks so, there should be much less everything soon. Stay tuned!

https://www.podbean.com/eu/pb-niwuk-f90012

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I have been affected by toxic positivity, have you?

I have been affected by toxic positivity.

So I was cruising Instagram the other day and I stumbled across this post by @Whenthemusicstops and I felt compelled to put down my thoughts regarding this subject.

I want to take this time to say, if you are following, thank you! And if you aren’t, would you like to? We’d be happy to have you here. You can also find us on Twitter, YouTube, Podbean, as well as Facebook.

So, toxic positivity. What the heck is all this about? What do you mean we shouldn’t tell people to think positive, or to feel better soon?  What is really going on here that we should be looking at? I believe it stems from societal culture that has decided at one point that stifling uncomfortable feelings is what everyone thinks is best. Now, maybe this has some good, like not having a meltdown in a grocery store because you and your husband got into an argument versus melting down at home. But, what it morphed into is something sick, that is creating a lot of disconnect from our true selves and leaving a lot of people in the wake.

Good Vibes only tells a lot of people that they shouldn’t feel bad at all.  Keeping a positive mindset isn’t getting people out of depression or anxiety. Everything doesn’t have to happen a reason to have happened. It makes the gold dust of life lose its luster. And for me that is really sad. This is the kind of stuff my depression stems from. It’s also found in so many different areas of our life from work conversations, home conversations, friends, family, social media. It is literally everywhere, and helping absolutely no one at the same time.

Do you know what it feels like to have someone say those things to you?  Do you have to tell yourself that they are definitely well intentioned even though it kind of stings a little? Maybe they could just listen a little longer, or validate me. Instead I’m being told that this awful feeling/thing happened for a reason and I am expected to think happy thoughts until it goes away. But the bad thoughts and feelings don’t go away, those same people will also share memes about how stored emotions turn into ailments. So, why is there such a big disconnect?

Basically there is somewhere in the in-between that we should all find. We all need to work on handling our own and others emotions better. Like, we could all get to the point when our people who need us can rely on us without feeling invalidated. I think it’s going to take a lot of work on our part. We all have a whole pie to work with when it comes to what we have to do.

So what does this look like? It could be as simple as just nodding in place of “platitudes” or any other form of invalidation. Or saying, “I’m here for you” instead of “just think happy thoughts” Or instead of saying “Everything happens for a reason” say this instead, “That must be really hard”, here is one more example,” Happiness is a choice” versus “your feelings are valid”. These simple phrase alternatives can do so much in such a short amount of time, when you notice the relief in someone’s face the first time you use your new lexicon for these kinds of things, it will make you feel better too.

The relief is what everyone needs. Be the relief someone needs, hopefully together we can change the way we interact with other people to actually make the world a better place from the inside for real instead of just covering it up, shutting it up and ignoring it.

I want to thank the few places I’ve fallen down rabbit holes in while researching for this topic, go check out their material on the subject!

Very Well Mind -What is Toxic Positivity https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958

Healthline _‘Toxic Positivity’ Is Real — and it’s a Big Problem During the Pandemic https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-positivity-during-the-pandemic

I wanted to add and edit! I also made a podcast on the topic, so here’s the link for that…. https://mcdn.podbean.com/mf/web/rme6bd/Toxic_positivity_mixdown8n45e.mp3

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I’m High and I want to Cultivate Humanity.

Trigger warning! Death of self, possible suicide ideation talk of neglect, emotional abuse

There used to be a time when I felt invincible. I get what people say when they mention this about the youth. They really know that the youth have a level of confidence that isn’t easily obtained once lost. The part of myself that I question is whether or not I lost the confidence vs whether or not the confidence was real. I’m leaning toward the latter. The difference being that I still don’t have the confidence to do what I have always wanted to do as if it were first nature to do so.

This year has been a hard year for so many people. The types of struggles for each of us is unique and regardless of the level of tragedy, we all have lost something most of us consider precious. There are a few who know the feeling of loss before this year, there are people who have no idea what they’re actually feeling is loss and grief, so please, be compassionate to each other.

Today I have thought about being dead 3 times. This is just today, while I am writing this it is 9:23pm. I have kids who are everything to me. I don’t actually want to die. There is just a part of my brain that says “you know what, being dead is good, you should be dead”. And that little part is there for good reason, but it hurts. This part of your brain hurts you for good reason, it’s really trying to give you a wakeup call and help you to stop thinking about other things that are painful. How fantastic is that? A self-destruct sequence with no instructions, for the betterment of the person. The question to ask now is why? Well, here is where we start getting into a little back story about myself.

When I was younger I noticed certain things about my parents that never seemed alright, but not inherently bad. When I would go to other people’s houses I would always feel strange, something about their houses always made me intensely insecure. I would feel “less than” and alone, and birthday parties or group sleepovers were the worst. I didn’t exactly miss my mom every time, I just always felt out of place with the way the families displayed their love. It seems to me now that the families who had more open and loving relationships were not around long within my social sphere and probably due to a lack of comfort within that atmosphere. Here’s the deal, I do not think that emotionally lacking households are completely loveless places, but they lack a key element of nurture. It’s a fundamental building block of a successful person.

Let’s introduce triggers and what we consider to be displeasing, socially. I have to work on parts of me that have been suppressed from years of emotional neglect due to one million (1,000,000,000) reasons. I’m sure you’ve heard a few, such as “I did the best I could with what I had” but what was missing was a compassion for the tiniest little soul with the biggest feelings of all. Those tiny souls with big feelings they don’t understand, get yelled at by bigger people about having their feelings.  These kinds of things turn into triggers later. The trigger system is a foot path laid out by yourself to see what it is that you need to work on with in you. The suppression of big emotions to the point of almost not even knowing their names is what causes the suicide ideation I mentioned earlier. (I would like to also mention, I am highly aware of a vast array of other things that could cause this particular occurrence, but I’m keeping my non doctorate ass within the scope of knowledge that I have about myself.)

When we think about how the suppression of big emotions and confidence would sit with each other and hinder/help, what do you think is happening when you lose confidence? Are you allowed to speak out to anyone about how they make you feel? Do you worry you will never be able to make it to a point where you can finally be proud of yourself? I do. This is my soul I offer to you, my dear reader. I believe that confidence is the biggest emotion of all, and to gain it back or to be able to use it whenever you’d like, you first have to be in touch with all your real feelings all of the time.

This work is hard but worth it. Let’s build some confidence! Hey human, let’s Cultivate some Humanity and start looking out for our own and others best interest.

I love you!

And now it seems I’ve come to an impasse

I’ve now become overwhelmed with everything to the point that a) it feels like a chore and b) I’m using the overwhelm of having “so much on my plate” as the distraction of a lifetime. So, I’ll use what I’ve brought forth as often as recovery allows me.

I will make a marked effort to remind myself that even if I decide to no longer persue this avenue or any of the others I’ve tried setting up for myself to maintain the “busy” schedule society calls for, it is DEFINITELY imperative for me to be able to say no, that’s enough for today and if some of the things on my list aren’t done, no big deal.

That being said, I have put a lot of focus and effort into deciding what it is I want to have my older life look like in terms of what I see as successful for myself. I will be returning to school in the fall to continue my education, and instead of meandering about getting to no particular goal, I’ve got an excellent goal and the sights are clear.

Since I’ve spent the last decade or more of my life perfecting the craft of cannabis edibles/consumables I will also be continuing to establish that, and I’ve started to write a cook book.

I would like to make videos for recipes and get them posted to youtube, so I’m hoping to get something up soon! 🤪

I’ve been using tiktok as a “stress release” and I hate it to the extent that it’s highly addictive and I feel as though I won’t be using it for long. 😐

On the topic of shadow work, have you discovered your avoidant protocols? Some of mine are overloading myself with an impossible amount of tasks as to try to stay as busy as possible. Not a moment to rest, and I can sleep when I’m dead.

Sometimes it feels as though I’m going to come up with anything to avoid having to do the hardest work. But realizing that having meltdowns isn’t a bad thing is definitely going to be helpful in the future, because every time you hit it space that feels particularly difficult to navigate, It’s a level up.

Sometimes it feels like we’re going backwards, when realistically the wounds that have been formed Are several layers deep and each layer has its own sediment that needs to be purged.

As unfortunate as it is, many women just like me are going through this while also having to navigate repeating/relearning how to cope properly and handle situations appropriately. I say this knowing that out there somewhere, you’re reading this and knowing what I mean when I say that most days I feel like a shit parent.

The best thing I’ve learned so far is to try to do anything to separate yourself at any time that you feel overwhelmed. Take a break, walk outside and get away from whatever is going on. Even if just for a minute.

You’ve got this! 💚🌿💚

I’ve been behind with a lot of things.

And I’m not going to lie, the CPTSD diagnosis has been an eye opener. And although I’m not receiving negative backlash and I have a large pool of ideas, part of the process of recovery is learning to take the time off needed to recover.

It only takes one more post to keep going right? So here it is, I’m sorry to anyone I’ve made a promise to recently do anything for, I am making good on those things this week.

The issues with finding out how almost everything in your life is close to being explainable, I feel another sense of relief.

So, thanks for sticking with me while figuring a lot of things out.

I appreciate you.

And I still don’t get it.

This is a post about censorship.

I just don’t understand why I am being censored when there’s actual profiles just showing clips of weed and tch isolate.

And I can’t even have a weed theme without my f****** videos getting taken down.

At this point idk why I’m even trying

The letter I am sending to the medical provider.

To the medical provider who verbally assaulted me while I was making an attempt to save my own life, you have no right being involved with medicine.

Here is a recount of MY experience with YOU as a provider:

I get an appointment in October and I am relieved because I need to see someone NOW, I am in crisis and I know it, I feel validated knowing this because my therapist suggested seeking the help of another medical professional. When I came to the appointment I was nervous because I already have had bad experiences at this place, with providers, and I briefly tried to describe that to you. I let you know that although I understand I am overweight and it contributes, I have been this way for a long time and I think I have a binge eating disorder.

I also remember asking you to focus on the anxiety because that’s what I am here for. Then you start asking me direct questions about the topic I specifically asked you to not talk about with me. You started asking whether or not I drank soda, which I don’t. When I answered you replied “oh really?” tilted your head to the side, squinted your eyes, changed your posture, and the tone in your voice changed. I didn’t know it was that easy to get people to think you’re a liar, but here we are. I tried to ignore this and just move through the appointment, which you spent telling me about how I shouldn’t be eating carbs like bread, pasta and potatoes. Which while am not binging I don’t eat those things because they cause a lot of inflammation in my body and eczema break outs. BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ME.

I came in for another follow up appointment in November and you decided it was in my best interest to make sure I knew that I had gained weight since the last time I had been seen by you. Which is widely inappropriate considering all of my appointments with you were scheduled to talk about ANXIETY. Not about my weight, ESPECIALLY since I believe I am working with an eating disorder and I made you aware of that. At that point I had been in physical therapy, and had some x-rays.

I didn’t get a referral to a psychiatrist until then, when it could have been EASILY provided with the first visit. I also asked for a number during that appointment and you told me that they would contact me. You did mention not being able to extend the disability, which I don’t really care about, the amount of stress I live with every day what can they do to me?  But why couldn’t you give me the number in November but in February you can?

What you have done is exacerbated pre-existing undiagnosed PTSD that is also in combination with CPTSD, ADHD, Autism and countless other things that make my life especially hard compared to the “perfectly adjusted and resilient” ANNA MICHELLE.

Oh, yeah, let’s talk about cannabis and how you’re also inappropriate to talk to me about your suspicions about whether or not I am actively using the medication of my own choice. Its 2020/2021. You would not be able to keep you license to practice if you said what you said to me, to someone who was high on a pill you prescribed. I would like to see your perfect life ANNA MICHELLE, the one where you aren’t using something to escape/feel better/sleep/not punch people/ calm your thoughts/reduce panic/pain management.

FYI Cannabis has been prescribed to me by doctors within the Dignity health community because they took the time to talk to me about why I use it and what it helps me with.

You suggested that the entire time I was being seen by you it was my responsibility to contact the psychiatrist, as well as from here on out. You then tell me I should seek counseling.

DIGNITY

I believe it would be in your best interest to revert back to the point in time of your life where you learned this word, what it is used for and how to give it to others. Especially when you are acting as a provider with DIGNITY as their name sake.

You’re an awful provider for failing to listen to god knows how many of your “patients”.

With best regards to the rest of your life in your new profession, Christine

I’m quaking.

I just went over to my cannabis fulfilment center, to clean up the space a bit and prep some bowls for my husband. I got 65%of the area cleaned up and brushed past the papers the nurse practitioner handed me the other day and my entire body went ice cold and started shaking. I had to walk away. I thought I may vomit.

Does this sound dramatic to you?

PTSD

Have a great day.

A RANT about healthcare.

CW CUSSING.

So, I have been out on a medical leave since late in November because of PTSD issues and anxiety. And I really have a hard time dealing with the medical stuff because of all the appointments they want me to go to and I just can’t keep up with any of it because whenever they schedule me appointments, I forget about them. Uh, depression/anxiety?

I went to see the nurse practitioner that I’ve been seeing since November for this anxiety problem and I talked to her about what was going on because I don’t want to continue this fake life. I tried to get her to understand what it is I am trying to do. All she heard was “I smoke pot and I don’t want to work, I’m overweight and don’t want to do anything about it” when I had actually told her that I believe I have an eating disorder because after doing keto last year (2018) I had a good hard look at my relationship with food and it’s an awful one, but what about the part that is a disorder and nearly uncontrollable?

I asked her why she hasn’t done more why don’t you care more about people who feel like they’re about to die like I’m not in here fucking talking to you about anything other than that and you are sitting here telling me oh you think I was high last time I came in so you don’t want to see me anymore and then tell me that plenty of other people are going through the same thing as me but they’re still working which you don’t know anything about me lady, so don’t fucking talk to me about what you think you know what I’m doing because I’m sure you think I’m just sitting around in the house all day doing fucking nothing which is not even close to the truth.

Anyway this lady then tells me that it’s now my responsibility to find a psychiatrist even though she was supposed to be sending out a referral for one because they never contacted me it’s now my responsibility and that’s it.

Day before yesterday I went to go in there with the confidence of a person who knows that they can tell this doctor to shut the fuck up and this lady still fucking made me feel like a tiny piece of shit. Why on earth would you choose a profession and then make choices that could be pushing someone to end their life? If that doesn’t scare you as much as police possibly shooting you, idk what you’re afraid of.

So. The American medical model says take care of yourself, make sure you’re healthy because if you’re not healthy, you can’t do all the things. You can’t take care of your kids if you’re not healthy you can’t. Work if you’re not healthy, you can’t go on vacation if you’re not healthy. But don’t look for help if you need it, because then you’re a degenerate and deserve to be treated as such.

What is health?

Because as far as I know I’ve been pretty fucking healthy doctors tell me wow you’re overweight but all of your scans come back perfect like they’re really good like even low cholesterol, you don’t have too much of this you’re not diabetic you’re like doing really good what are you doing and I’m like I don’t fucking know binge eating all the time and hella depressed like okay, then I started looking into that why are doctors telling me this kind of stuff what the fuck is going on I looked it up and turns out that there’s a such thing as a fucking healthy fat person and a like a unhealthy skinny person so sometimes people’s metabolisms create their selves to be a very skinny person and no matter what they eat or consume they still maintain that skinny figure. But they’re not healthy people they are literally like dying on the inside because they don’t actually put nutrition in their body they are putting gross stuff in their body like monsters for six hours and then fuck a potato chips, you know, and then when they get home they eat a huge carb heavy dinner and go to bed a couple hours later so.

I’m not doing that kind of stuff and sometimes I do but like most times I choose not to and when my panels come back they show that I am not an unhealthy person. I am just fat. So fuck that lady.

In any case, I think the American Health System is awful.

It’s awful because shit like this is allowed to happen like how is it that someone can send off a referral and then all of a sudden it’s the patient’s responsibility to track that shit down and make sure that they get an appointment. Okay, now it’s my responsibility, but fuck dude because she could have given me the fucking number in DECEMBER. But she told me they would contact me, better yet, she could have sent the fuckihng referral in November when I first came into see her instead of focusing on me being overweight.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

One of the things I thought about doing last night besides killing myself (this is the main reason I’m FREAKING THE FUCK OUT YALL!!!!!!!) was filing a complaint against this nurse practitioner because she’s awful… She’s going to make a bunch of people feel really like shit and she’s going to lead someone to fucking kill themselves because she’s so awful.

How do you get into a profession where you’re actually supposed to be helping people but you’re actually making things worse for them? I don’t understand that at all and I get it they’re going to sit there sit around and think that it is all about money but it’s not this was about my health that nobody else is taking seriously.

So, The American Health System is broken. And I’m a part of it. I became a statistic when I was born because of PTSD and depression. I was a statistic as a child because of depression and Being overweight which was probably a combination of environment and depression and….yep… you guessed it, PTSD.

And you really when you go out into the world and feel like you know a little bit of stuff and then are made to feel Really tiny by certain people. It’s so strange to me that I cannot be strong enough for myself to prevent people like that for hurting me. But if it was my friend I would have completely gone off. Currently I am up but exhausted. I keep having full body flashes of having punched or screamed at that lady. Then I cry because I feel so completely helpless.

The county I live in is no better because their mental health services are very much lacking and I’m really scared that I’m not going to get any help. The NP told me to get a counselor, I was like what?! The only reason I came in here in the first place is because I’m talking to a therapist.

I’m really scared because I’m already close to that point where? I don’t know if I’m going to be able to come back.

And it really fucking scares me. But this is the world I live in.

When I was a kid, I was promised all these things. They never fucking happened.  “Go to work, get healthcare” the only part anyone focuses on is the “Go to work” part, and they didn’t make healthcare better, contrary, it’s probably killing millions.

Our global economy might collapse and with that goes the healthcare because it’s part of the economy so the thing is, when the health care part of the economy collapses it won’t be any different than it is now the only people that will feel the difference are the people that are able to pay for healthcare that actually fucking cares for their health.

Oh that you believe that shit changes when they feel the impact but. Fuck everybody else, right?

Do you have any medical stories that you’d like to share? I may feature it in my next podcast, where I am definitely venting about this some more. I can’t wait to hear from you!

I love you, beautiful human.

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