I’m High and I want to Cultivate Humanity.

Trigger warning! Death of self, possible suicide ideation talk of neglect, emotional abuse

There used to be a time when I felt invincible. I get what people say when they mention this about the youth. They really know that the youth have a level of confidence that isn’t easily obtained once lost. The part of myself that I question is whether or not I lost the confidence vs whether or not the confidence was real. I’m leaning toward the latter. The difference being that I still don’t have the confidence to do what I have always wanted to do as if it were first nature to do so.

This year has been a hard year for so many people. The types of struggles for each of us is unique and regardless of the level of tragedy, we all have lost something most of us consider precious. There are a few who know the feeling of loss before this year, there are people who have no idea what they’re actually feeling is loss and grief, so please, be compassionate to each other.

Today I have thought about being dead 3 times. This is just today, while I am writing this it is 9:23pm. I have kids who are everything to me. I don’t actually want to die. There is just a part of my brain that says “you know what, being dead is good, you should be dead”. And that little part is there for good reason, but it hurts. This part of your brain hurts you for good reason, it’s really trying to give you a wakeup call and help you to stop thinking about other things that are painful. How fantastic is that? A self-destruct sequence with no instructions, for the betterment of the person. The question to ask now is why? Well, here is where we start getting into a little back story about myself.

When I was younger I noticed certain things about my parents that never seemed alright, but not inherently bad. When I would go to other people’s houses I would always feel strange, something about their houses always made me intensely insecure. I would feel “less than” and alone, and birthday parties or group sleepovers were the worst. I didn’t exactly miss my mom every time, I just always felt out of place with the way the families displayed their love. It seems to me now that the families who had more open and loving relationships were not around long within my social sphere and probably due to a lack of comfort within that atmosphere. Here’s the deal, I do not think that emotionally lacking households are completely loveless places, but they lack a key element of nurture. It’s a fundamental building block of a successful person.

Let’s introduce triggers and what we consider to be displeasing, socially. I have to work on parts of me that have been suppressed from years of emotional neglect due to one million (1,000,000,000) reasons. I’m sure you’ve heard a few, such as “I did the best I could with what I had” but what was missing was a compassion for the tiniest little soul with the biggest feelings of all. Those tiny souls with big feelings they don’t understand, get yelled at by bigger people about having their feelings.  These kinds of things turn into triggers later. The trigger system is a foot path laid out by yourself to see what it is that you need to work on with in you. The suppression of big emotions to the point of almost not even knowing their names is what causes the suicide ideation I mentioned earlier. (I would like to also mention, I am highly aware of a vast array of other things that could cause this particular occurrence, but I’m keeping my non doctorate ass within the scope of knowledge that I have about myself.)

When we think about how the suppression of big emotions and confidence would sit with each other and hinder/help, what do you think is happening when you lose confidence? Are you allowed to speak out to anyone about how they make you feel? Do you worry you will never be able to make it to a point where you can finally be proud of yourself? I do. This is my soul I offer to you, my dear reader. I believe that confidence is the biggest emotion of all, and to gain it back or to be able to use it whenever you’d like, you first have to be in touch with all your real feelings all of the time.

This work is hard but worth it. Let’s build some confidence! Hey human, let’s Cultivate some Humanity and start looking out for our own and others best interest.

I love you!

Cannabis Peanut Butter Cookies

Perfectly round peanut butter cookies

Ill copy the recipe a little later, but first I want to get some stuff out of my head first. On a cookie standard, I do not like persimmons. They make the cookie dough, cakey. Not my favorite. Oh well.

I made some regular peanut butter cookies, with cannabis of course, to sooth the need for a decent cookie. These cookies have such a nice smooth texture, but a slight crisp. Not too sweet, and not too peanuty. I just have to rave about them because I am so proud of them. They’re a big first for me, I accurately dosed keif into the recipe, and well. This is a first for me, because infusion with just plant material is my jam. It got to the point where I feel like so much medicine goes to waste in almost all extractions that I really could not wrap my head around how people were getting ridiculously high dosed edibles. Mostly by trial and error. Who is writing this stuff down? It took me a while to get all the info I needed to get this. So now, as I have eaten about 6-30mg peanut butter cookies as a test control, I say to you my friends. The secrets to fantastic edibles every single time, less waste because of a cleaner product. But wait there’s more, people are extracting the high dose medicine that gets you high, and using the left over plant material to INFUSE BUTTER! Here’s the deal, this plant definitely has so much potential that when I do alcohol tinctures, I save for second washes.  Ill combine two or three into the same amount of alcohol and get a really decent run. Since I don’t have any testing equipment on me, I was guessing for the longest time. But really, it was not so much a difference that maybe microgram/s.

So anyway, why I have brought you all here today is to just sit with my anxiety about tomorrow being thanksgiving. We are planning on staying really low key because of how restricted everything is. My initial thought is to tell everything I have ever said about the holidays and why I dislike them, I feel a bit more reserved because of enlightenments I’ve encountered the last few years. So, I want to say I do not appreciate this holiday of gluttonous gorging, all of which said food things prices are just evermore increasing. This is part of the race that needs to be readdressed and reestablished as a more positive commemorative remembrance of the atrocities that have BEEN committed against humanity. A humanity that most people who feel lost, long to connect to. A lot of people want to deflect the conversation to suit their bruised egos when it comes to these kinds of things. Why? Do you know you’re directly related to someone who was on the murderous side of the fence? Rhetorical.

This proceeds an entire month of overloaded onslaught of advertisements for somethings that gets thrown away faster than a used condom. As well as the ridiculous subliminal representation of a life being as perfect as one put before us on a screen. Do you actually think that people buy cars like that for xmas? I highly doubt it unless they’re in the club of people who can obviously do that! Do you like how I closed that off? Ha. Anyway, sorry I had a little flare up of asshole today, a couple beers+ too many weed cookies= bed time!

The most important thing (there are several important things)

WEIGH YOUR PRODUCTS.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.  We are not done though, you want this recipe these..mmm… ok..

Important thing number two, become familiar with creaming.

My recipes should be listed in order of mixing unless otherwise specified. This seems to be something that helps me get through these things.

350 degrees F  for 15 minutes.

Parchment paper lined sheet pan, 1 ½ tbl scoop or weigh them out, which I forgot to do. Wha. wha.

Room temperature everything.

Cannabis Peanut Butter Cookies

Recipe for the original peanut butter cookies can be found in a cookbook here

(Not an affiliate link), just one of many books I use for inspiration.

The measurements used are loosely based on the recipe from this book, but the method is solid.

Butter (unsalted)395gMelt ¼ butter, add keif\/ \/ \/
Keif4gAdd to room temp butter.Bring back to room temp
Brown sugar252g All of this /\ /\ /\
Granular sugar250g/\ /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\Cream together /\ /\ /\
salt1g  
Peanut butter375gAfter butter, sugar are creamed, add this.Mix until incorporated
eggs157gAbout 3 eggs No need to scoop out extra unless its more than 100gMix in 1 at a time until incorporated
AP Flour500g250g at a time, mix in halfThen fold in remaining flour until well mixed. Do not over mix.  

Im high and I have Ideas about Adoption

Adoption is when someone carries a baby full term and regardless of how it happens, the baby is found without its mother. The baby will be taken somewhere to be kind of cared for, and probably adopted.

Sometimes, this is actually arranged before the baby is born. Sometimes the mom has so many unresolved issues that she is unable to care for her child. The whys really don’t matter? What matters is raising awareness to the fact that people who have been separated from their biological mothers suffer severe identity and personal crisis. The thing is, even if there are a few people who say they don’t feel awful about adoption no matter what you say about how other people feel, and I will tell you I was one of those people just a few months ago.

I just found out that adoption trauma is a thing. While sorting through what most consider the worst year yet for humanity as a whole. For mental health as a whole. I found out that this empty part of me is a long lost trauma that was never forgotten, because how can you forget something if you didn’t know it even existed? I forgot that it hurt to be given away and that I never was the same. People talk about getting to a place with their trauma and grief that they finally feel like they used to. How did I used to feel? Warm? Comforted? Cozy? Always loved? Cherished? Are those the feelings people say they are getting back on the other side of grief and loss? These are that I feel are missing from myself, every day. For a while I thought the missing feeling was an interior design thing. Well, although I’ve never lived in a house with good interior design, I can tell you that people with nice things, nice houses and nice faces still have the ability to feel this empty also.  

To counter this feeling, for my children, I try to encourage all the things that I feel I missed out on, while also trying to not place unrealistic expectations on myself for the sake of being “perfect”. This assumption that people should be living any other way than the way that feels natural to them is what gets us here. There was an assumption that women would do anything to have children, but never once considered the ramifications of doing so. How did a species become so far removed from itself that it just doesn’t care about the life it creates? And for all those who say that this is a caring notion, no it isn’t. Women should never face the challenge of having to give up a child. Women shouldn’t get raped. Women should be able to have their own children, and if they can’t they need psychological services before being able to adopt. Not a questionnaire, an actual assessment and life skills training to lessen the occurrence of transfer into homes without proper care.

It’s as if humans were the pets that got out of control, and instead of separating the boys and girls to quit breeding they invented a money making scheme out of it and pandered it as normal. I understand how this looks, when it comes to the childless mother, she may feel attacked by the adopted child because she can’t understand their pain. But that’s not my problem, and it shouldn’t be yours. She needs to deal with her initial loss of her life giving abilities before consulting an adoption agency. This should be the new normal. If adoption is going to continue, I call out for a worldwide/ species wide acceptance of psychological screening and training/therapies. I want all adoptive prospective parents to undergo grief counseling to deal either their own loss before bringing a child into their world.

I want it to be normalized on planet earth that ever human has a basic concept of what it means to have children as a long term. We realize that the spirit, brain and soul are special. Why can’t we start to foster those kinds of seeds of knowledge into our children? They can then pass that along, and maybe we won’t end up with entire generations who feel lost, confused and disconnected. I don’t want to be disconnected from everything, but I always feel disconnected.

When it comes down to what adoption is as a whole, the system is flawed from the beginning. There should be a universal code of conduct established so that the entire population can feel safe and comfortable. 

I know I’m throwing out a lot of what ifs, but I really just am a dreamer at heart. I want to do well by people in general. I may not have the faculties to actually enact change, but what if I inspire you to? What If I have an idea that is doable by someone else? Then, I will feel as if I can say I know what I want to be when I grow up and It’s a humanitarian, to fight for the rights of those who don’t have words, who don’t know the difference. Because I can see my path, and it may not be well known, but it is lit with white light.

Cannabis Infused Butter Recipe

I don’t really write recipes well, but I want to start my catalogue of recipes for you to enjoy and work with. All of the collection of recipes are found on the web and through family recipes. I will be tagging where ever I happen to get recipes from!

This was something I developed right along side other people while we were spending 10yrs infusing butter and getting fucked up. So, from out of body expirence to man, i didint feel shit. I found a myreally good recipe that works with any kind of material, with good results.

My only real advise is, if you take dabs or use a vape, you will need higher concentrations of cannabis in your infusions. I have freinds who need upwards of 150mg just to feel an edible. taking up to 400mg a day. So, obviously adjust the recipe as you see fit, but this is pretty standard.

1oz good quality bud

1 pound butter

1c water

It isnt a secret how get started making some yummy space cookies, but now what?

Lets heat it all up together and talk about why we need what we need,

Thc is fat soluble, meanining it will disolve in fats. We use the butter as the fat. I use the water to keep the butter from buring, it also helps to keep impurities from your final product when it settles.

cook this shit until you feel it in your bones that it is done. I get impatient around 1.5hrs, some people go to about 4hrs. you do you boo.

strain it through some cloth, a strainer is not going to get out enough stuff. I like old t-shirts or pillowcases.

put it in a bowl, in the fridge to chill,

When it is completely chilled, take out of the fridge and remove from the water, clean off the sediment and put it in a bag for future use.

now you have canna butter!

Cannabis ground, with keif on top.

5 lazy AF exercises.

I have a bad habit of being lazy AF. I don’t really want to do much of anything, and when I do want to do something I want to do all of it at once (thank you anxiety and depression!) But this last few months has taught me a few things about being lazy and still wanting to be fit, healthy and lose weight. So, I wanted to share my 5 lazy exercises with you that have helped me to boost my mood daily!

  1. Walking. Seriously. That’s it, briskly walking. I have been using the stopwatch on my phone to time myself every day I go for a walk up my street. So far, I have walked an hour almost every day and I feel great afterward! So here are a few reasons walking is great for you, a) it is low impact, even at your heaviest you can walk somewhere. B) It is low cost. You don’t need a membership to walk anywhere, you don’t need a tracker you don’t need anything. I use my stopwatch because when I first started I was doing 30 minutes a day, so I would set my timer to 15 minutes and when it went off I would stop for a water break then turn around. Now I use my stop watch to see how long it takes me to walk 2 miles. And I am down to 24 minutes to walk 2 miles!
  2. Planking. Dead serious. It hurts, but it’s literally the best kind of hurt. So you know when you gain all this weight in your midsection all of a sudden you have no core strength. Well, just engage your core. This one is also free!!! I use my stopwatch here also, to time my plank lengths. When I get to a point where I can hold it for a minute, then I will use the timer to do timed trials. Even 15 seconds each time is doing something!
  3. Stretching. Remember middle school P.E.? The butterfly stretch? And the others I don’t know the names of? Well, those stretches are really good for you especially after walking! I have been using some modified yoga, but you don’t need to. All you need to do is sit on your butt, and butterfly stretch, or reach for your toes. That’s it. Simple right?
  4. Squats. You heard me right. Squats. They can be done anywhere. Every time you go to the bathroom, squat 5 times before sitting on the toilet. And if you leak, hey! At least you’re close to the toilet! Seriously though, Squats are an excellent and easy way to get some light cardio and stretching in. 
  5. Jumping Jacks. Now this one may be a little more impact than you are used to. I found that a quick set of 15 jumping jacks gets my heart rate up just enough to feel like I’m doing something. And just think, after a week of doing 15, you can probably increase the number to 25. Then what? Idk, I am only at 25. Haha.

The point is, doing something, even if something little/small/low impact/lazy is better than doing nothing at all. You will not see results immediately, although you will feel better about yourself and your goals rapidly. I encourage you to try at least 3 of these things daily. Just try it for 1 week and if it doesn’t make you want to do all 5 every day then you, my friend are lazier than me. Lol Have a beautiful day, and keep up the good work!

Be the change others fear.

 Don’t ever be afraid to change how you see something, or how you feel about something as a result of your personal growth. There are so many people willing to tear others down for “changing” and you really have to ask them, why don’t you change?

A few years ago I was accused of changing as if it was a bad thing, and it literally bent my nose out of shape. I know the look on my face was shocked and annoyed. I really didn’t expect that from this person, but then I really sat down to think about the reasons they thought I had changed and most of them led to the fact that that person had not changed at all.

Be the driving force of your own change, you can do it. It isn’t hard at all. Think critically of every choice you make, every set in stone way you have. Are they all truly yours? Or can you sway your own resolve? It’s ok and even healthy to change some of these things that you don’t even know why you think or feel that way. This is when change is the best!

Enjoy these moments of self-doubt, they are a moment of growth and can help you discover who you are really meant to be. Love the process!

Love yourself.

Breathe, change is coming.

15 inspirational songs on my playlist.

15 inspirational and motivational songs on my playlist

Some of these songs aren’t like the others, I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have a very wide range of songs I find fitting for every mood. I know you do too. I wanted to share with you the top 15 songs that I really enjoy to listen to when I need the extra push for the day. I included the most thought provoking and inspirational songs that I have been listening to lately.

How do you love –Shinedown

“No one gets out alive, every day is do or die. The one thing you leave behind is how did you love?

What it is – Jonathan Davis

“It may seem impossible but I will embrace who I really am”

Oxygen – Dirtyheads

“Feeding off the words that they all said, they don’t mean nothing no……. If you go and I’m not there, I’ll be your oxygen”

Get up – Shinedown

“If you were ever in doubt don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof. Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed, but you gotta try and I’m calling out GET UP, GET UP! Get a move on!”

Bulletproof – Godsmack

“I need a way to separate, but I’m telling you that nothing will ever be the same…… believe me, I’m bulletproof. You make me so Bulletproof.”

The mountain –Three Days Grace

“Is this the life that I’ve been living? All that’s meant for me? Everyday I’m just surviving, keep climbing the mountain, even when I feel like dying, Keep climbing the mountain”

Waking lions –Pop Evil

“I wanna stand up, a hundred feet tall cause fear will never lead the way. I’m ready to run, a hundred miles strong I will never be the same, waking the lions in me”

What Ifs –Kane Brown

“What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it’s meant to be”

My name is human –Highly Suspect

“Gotta remember that nobody’s better than anyone else, here. Look what they do to you, look what they do to me. Must be joking if you think either one is free, here.”

We are the champions – Queen

“I’ve done my sentence, but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few. I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face but I’ve come through. “

Rise above this –Seether

“I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this”

I’m on top of the world –Imagine Dragons

“And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down, and it’s a long way up when you hit the ground. Get up now, get up, get up now!”

Fight Song –Rachel Platten

“And I don’t really care if nobody else believes, I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me, know I still got a lot of fight left in me.”

A reason to fight –Disturbed

“I won’t give up, so don’t give in. you’ve fallen down but you can rise again, so don’t give up”

The devil in I – Slipknot

“I’m not your devil any more, your station is abandoned, fool you cause I know what you’ve done……. Step inside, see the devil in I…. You’ll realize I’m not your devil anymore”

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