I’m High and I want to Cultivate Humanity.

Trigger warning! Death of self, possible suicide ideation talk of neglect, emotional abuse

There used to be a time when I felt invincible. I get what people say when they mention this about the youth. They really know that the youth have a level of confidence that isn’t easily obtained once lost. The part of myself that I question is whether or not I lost the confidence vs whether or not the confidence was real. I’m leaning toward the latter. The difference being that I still don’t have the confidence to do what I have always wanted to do as if it were first nature to do so.

This year has been a hard year for so many people. The types of struggles for each of us is unique and regardless of the level of tragedy, we all have lost something most of us consider precious. There are a few who know the feeling of loss before this year, there are people who have no idea what they’re actually feeling is loss and grief, so please, be compassionate to each other.

Today I have thought about being dead 3 times. This is just today, while I am writing this it is 9:23pm. I have kids who are everything to me. I don’t actually want to die. There is just a part of my brain that says “you know what, being dead is good, you should be dead”. And that little part is there for good reason, but it hurts. This part of your brain hurts you for good reason, it’s really trying to give you a wakeup call and help you to stop thinking about other things that are painful. How fantastic is that? A self-destruct sequence with no instructions, for the betterment of the person. The question to ask now is why? Well, here is where we start getting into a little back story about myself.

When I was younger I noticed certain things about my parents that never seemed alright, but not inherently bad. When I would go to other people’s houses I would always feel strange, something about their houses always made me intensely insecure. I would feel “less than” and alone, and birthday parties or group sleepovers were the worst. I didn’t exactly miss my mom every time, I just always felt out of place with the way the families displayed their love. It seems to me now that the families who had more open and loving relationships were not around long within my social sphere and probably due to a lack of comfort within that atmosphere. Here’s the deal, I do not think that emotionally lacking households are completely loveless places, but they lack a key element of nurture. It’s a fundamental building block of a successful person.

Let’s introduce triggers and what we consider to be displeasing, socially. I have to work on parts of me that have been suppressed from years of emotional neglect due to one million (1,000,000,000) reasons. I’m sure you’ve heard a few, such as “I did the best I could with what I had” but what was missing was a compassion for the tiniest little soul with the biggest feelings of all. Those tiny souls with big feelings they don’t understand, get yelled at by bigger people about having their feelings.  These kinds of things turn into triggers later. The trigger system is a foot path laid out by yourself to see what it is that you need to work on with in you. The suppression of big emotions to the point of almost not even knowing their names is what causes the suicide ideation I mentioned earlier. (I would like to also mention, I am highly aware of a vast array of other things that could cause this particular occurrence, but I’m keeping my non doctorate ass within the scope of knowledge that I have about myself.)

When we think about how the suppression of big emotions and confidence would sit with each other and hinder/help, what do you think is happening when you lose confidence? Are you allowed to speak out to anyone about how they make you feel? Do you worry you will never be able to make it to a point where you can finally be proud of yourself? I do. This is my soul I offer to you, my dear reader. I believe that confidence is the biggest emotion of all, and to gain it back or to be able to use it whenever you’d like, you first have to be in touch with all your real feelings all of the time.

This work is hard but worth it. Let’s build some confidence! Hey human, let’s Cultivate some Humanity and start looking out for our own and others best interest.

I love you!

Published by Bonemomma

This year I am 30 somthing, mother of two, wife, lover of skeletons, practicing emotional intelligence. Every day is another day to be better than you were yesterday. With all the information available, why not learn to be whatever it is you feel you lack?

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